i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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