I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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