Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My life is pants optional.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
