Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
