maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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