this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
