dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
