i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's shark week go big or go home
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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