you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
