Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
