Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
