I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
