I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
