you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
