I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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