My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
