I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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