capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
