i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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