Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
