My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
