awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
