Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
