I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
