she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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