Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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