My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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