My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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