if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
should my penis look like a turkey
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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