I faked an abortion last night.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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