Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
