I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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