im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
