did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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