You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
