Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
