Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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