He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
