you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
