I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
