We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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