I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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