Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
