Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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