party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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