last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
