I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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