Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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