Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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