she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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