The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
