So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He better not be in your backpack
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
